It’s In The Eyes - The Ability To Relate To Anyone

The next time you talk to someone, I want you to look deeply into their eyes.

Study them, focus on them, and listen intently to the words that are coming out of their mouth. Look for the dark circles and the crow's feet. Look for signs of fatigue in and around their eyes. The eyes tell the story, the real story of that person’s life that cannot be hidden. 

I was fortunate enough to be involved in interviews for a city department detective’s promotional exam. It was while sitting before the panel with the other candidates that I realized the eyes’ ability to show the truth. After getting a good feeling about each interviewee and how they responded to each question, I looked them in their eyes. I really wanted to know who they are, what kind of life the have, and compare that to the way they presented in front of the panel.

Studying for a detective’s promotional exam is very much like any other promotion process. Reading lists are mandated, statute books are studied, and phone calls are made to other brothers and sisters who have recently taken the same type of exam.

If you don’t walk into that room having a really good feeling on what you’ll be asked, then one of two things are happening: (1) you really haven’t prepared because you really don’t want the position, or (2) you’ve prepared to an extent but not enough because you are a newer officer and are really just taking the exam to get a feel for things. 

Although they all had the same training, the same study list, the same opportunity and the same amount of time to prepare, everyone of us did things differently. My father taught me at a very young age that "We all put our pants on one leg at a time." I never really knew what that meant until I got older. Now, at this stage of the game, man, it makes so much sense if I take the time to listen and understand the person in front of me. 

All of that said, after 22 years of law enforcement, my bullshit detector is set pretty high. It was clear by the end of the day who the best candidates were. For me, it went a bit deeper. While technical skill, knowledge, and communication skills are important, there’s more to it than that.

You see, when the suits come off, when these candidates are back in their comfort zones and normal environments, they seamlessly revert back to who they really are. I was looking at the bigger picture, having worked with many detectives around Connecticut. I asked myself, “Is this the guy I would want to work with for the next several years?” (I say guy simply because in the process I’m referring to there were no female candidates.) 

I took the opportunity to begin studying their hands. Did they chew their nails, were they married, and if so did they mention their wives during the initial or opening statement they made?

Next is the watch. The watch you wear tells a lot about you. Is it military-style, waterproof, bulletproof, damage-proof? Flashy or only worn to convey a certain image, when the reality is that the wearer checks their phone to tell the time.

Checking the shirt, ties, and jackets is next. Are they sloppy or neat, pressed or winkled, fitted or off the rack? I’m not making judgments to be negative. I’m making judgments to determine the candidate most fitting for the position.

Do you get it? I’m working my way through these candidates to see just how much I can learn about their true character outside of their rehearsed textbook answers to the interview prompts. As I put it all together, I moved past the faces, hairlines, and orbits of the eyes. I deliberately made eye contact with them (not in a creepy way!) I mimicked the way they looked back at me. Try it, but don’t be obvious about it. If they have eyebrows that raise when they talk and their head tilts slightly to one side, do the same. It’s unbelievable how that person will begin to relate to you just by that simple move.

I began to do this intentionally to each candidate, forcing them to keep eye contact with me and forcing them to start to relax. I wanted to be their friends in this process because it is incredibly stressful for candidates and let’s be honest, cops are difficult people. Sometimes, on occasion, even unforgiving. I needed these candidates to show me who they are because I wanted them to fit in the position they deserved to get. Does that make sense? Like with any business- public, private, customer service to public service, the round peg must go in the round hole. 

If you are not taking the time to really pay attention to people — the way they look, how they look at you, and what they say — you are doing yourself an incredible disservice. You can learn so much about a person just by simply “sizing them up” and paying attention to the nonverbal elements of communication. Once you understand them, you can make that interaction whatever you want it to be, no matter how they come across. 

Three people live inside of all of us: (1) our perception of ourselves, (2) others’ perceptions of us, and (3) our true selves. In my seminars, specifically the De-Escalation and Workplace Violence Training, I always ask, “Anyone in the room that has a perfect life, that has no stress, no debt, and all happiness, raise your hand.” How many raise their hands? You guessed it, none. We all have troubles, issues, struggles, and negative thoughts. The question each one of us has to ask ourselves each day is, "How am I going to show myself to people today?"

The eyes cannot lie. If you don’t sleep, the eyes will show it. If you are experiencing stress, the eyes will show it. If you are not being honest, your eyes will show it. If you drank too much, your eyes will show it. I'm sure you get the picture.

A huge tactic with any situation is empathy. Empathizing allows you to take control of situations, relationships, and conversations. Everyone carries stress and tension, as well as self-doubt and hesitation. Once you accept that and consciously allow it to play a role in your daily life, dealing with others is a snap. 

Don’t get me wrong, it takes daily practice, much like going to the gym. I still lose sight of it from time to time. I’m human, ya know? I don’t sleep as much as I would like, I burn my candle at both ends, and sometimes I am not as patient with others as I’d like to be. 

I imagine you do, too, and that you may feel guilty about it. Allow yourself to play a situation gone awry back in your mind and decide how you’d do it differently if you could do it again. Maybe your kid wanted to go outside to play but you yelled at him for the third time to stop bothering you. Maybe you were rude to a co-worker who came to you with a problem that they couldn’t figure out on their own. Now is the time to punish yourself a bit, take away a small pleasure, or something you think you’ve earned the right to have or do. Your psyche will remember this. Keep doing it until you learn that lesson. 

It is so easy to let all of the day’s nonsense, stress, and aggravation build up. It's easy to forget to stop and actually listen to others but more importantly to ourselves. Pay attention to people and let the things they can’t hide teach you about them. 

We all need someone now and then.