What We Have Here Is .... An Absolute Middle Life Crisis
I originally wrote and published this piece on LinkedIn, shortly after my uncle killed himself.
At 45 years old I’ve come to ask myself one question that is changing the way I’ve been looking at things during the majority of my life, “How am I feeling right now?”
After doing a lot of reflection and some reading, I’ve learned that at that moment I need to realize what I’m grateful for:
1. My two boys
2. My wife
3. A job that gives me fulfillment
4. My mom and dad
5. My compassion
Unexpected Loss Makes Us Choose Our Path
I’ve been propelled into this self-reflection after multiple and unexpected deaths have directly affected my soul. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and, given my occupation, I have been around and dealt with death often. The events that have unfolded in my life most recently have been a shock to my system.
My depression has been a cause of concern. After an open discussion with my wife, we began to spell out the options to help climb out of that darkness and back into the light of life. In full disclosure mode, I’m a stubborn person. I’m also smart enough to know that I can’t just rest on that and accept it as fact. I know that I have little ones who want me around for as long as possible, a feeling that is true to my heart as my parents get older.
“A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him….will never be able to throw away his life.”
Viktor E. Frankl in Man’s Search For Meaning.
I processed the conversation with my wife and the suggestions that were made. Although I love my wife very much, I knew there was only one way to “fix” me. That way was through me, from me, and within me. I knew what I had to do and the concern from my friends and family helped shed light on that.
A couple of days later my wife joked that this was my mid-life crisis. “Bing,” the lightbulb went off. Christ, she’s right. As I got older my mind always said a mid-life crisis would come and I’d be buying a boat, motorcycle, or luxury car that I can’t afford. But that’s not the case. I’ve come to a crossroads in my life forcing me to figure out which way to decide to go.
I can see how the darkness of life can take over some people. After recently losing someone very close to me to suicide, my mind has struggled with so many moral and ethical questions around it. To which I’ve answered that it was right for him given his circumstances. Who knows how long he fought that urge off. The suffering must have been unimaginable, uncontrollable, exhausting, and hopeless in the end.
Existentialism – The emphasis on the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of will.
It may seem at times that the universe or a higher being, whatever it is that you believe in, puts you in line with what you need when you need it in order to push through. I think it’s time that individually we take credit for our own survival through our daily struggles.
Maybe it’s not a greater being that puts those necessary pieces in front of you. Maybe, just maybe it’s your strength and your ability to make it through.
To that point, the word ‘existential’ continued to show up in my life recently. The meaning of my life coincides with the crossroads of my mid-life crisis while suffering from the pains and educational values of loss. All of which deepens my love for my family, my passion for my work, and my compassion for others.
Think of the following word and before you read the definition options below it, consciously and honestly accept which your mind first brought you to.
JUDGMENT
Definition 1: The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.
Or
Definition 2: An opinion or conclusion.
It’s easy to pass judgment on others, but the truth is, we have no idea what struggles, hardships, or broken hearts they are currently dealing with. Just because we may handle something one way doesn’t make it the only way to deal with struggle.
In all of my classes, I make this point: “Everyone in this room who has a perfect life, with no struggles, stresses, hardships, or sadness, raise your hands.” As you can imagine, I’ve yet to see an honest person raise their hand.
I’d be really curious to know how many of you reading this article picked definition 1 as opposed to definition 2. I feel like I may be jaded in my opinion on the said outcome, so I’ll keep it to myself. If you feel the need, post your answer in the comments below.
Most if not all of you won’t, because no one likes to be vulnerable. Vulnerability, in my mind, is coupled with fear. And as we all should know, fear can be good. Fear can keep us alive. Opening our eyes to the fact that fears exist allows us to embrace them. By embracing it we conquer it. And by conquering it we build confidence.
Fear of death, sorrow, pain, and loss is normal. Your choice is to succumb to it, collapse, or go dark…OR accept that is a part of this life we fight for every day.
Take that dark, heavy, and palpable feeling of loss, fear, and sadness and build your foundation on it. Build the foundation of growth, strength, and love from it. Don’t let it win, it is you who chooses the path. It is you who decides your fate. And it is you who stands with confidence for the people in the world who love you and can come to you for security and comfort, a smile or a hug.
Tomorrow may not be promised. Today may not be full. But the moment, the moment right now is the time to make that difference.